i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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