1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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