he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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