fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
