Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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