My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
