Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
