girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
