it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
