How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
