If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
