My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
