You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
