I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
