and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
