God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry about my life...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
