dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
