Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
