I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
