I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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