remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
