i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
