Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
