meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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