Screwed.edu
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
