Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
