I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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