Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
