god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
