Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you traded sex for a burrito?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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