Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
