Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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