Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
