I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
