Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
