hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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