im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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