It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
