u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
