theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
