dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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