May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
