Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
