I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
