you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
