When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
