Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
