He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
