i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
