He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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