Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
